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Today's news of late seems filled with articles that talk about holding memorials or vigils for those who have been taken from us violently or at too early an age. We fuss and fight over where to place our graven images and halls of worship. Often such anger and emotion leads to more violence and irrational behavior in much the same way that a questionable call leads to a bench clearing brawl at the ball park. Somehow we just cannot accept that the reasons for our losses are sometimes the result of failures on our part rather than our opposition in life simply being better and more prepared than we were. My point is simply this. By the time that we get to the point of holding a candlelight vigil for someone it is already too late for them and for us. Our chance to 'make a difference' passed long ago. Arguing over where to place a memorial or a place of reverence to one God or another is really rather pointless because our chances to put such religious ideologies behind us and unite in the commonality and brotherhood of mankind has long passed. In fact the mere perpetuation of such differences in beliefs serves only to incite even more bitterness towards each other rather than bring us closer together as human beings.
As a child growing up I used to ask my parents why people had such elaborate funerals and ornate burial places. After all, they were dead and gone right? They were already in a better place according to our accepted beliefs at the time. Such services and ceremonies just seemed to me to be more of an elaborate appology to their memory for not having been there for them in life. Their answer was simply that for most people such funereal activities were primarily for the benefit of the living. Merely an excuse to get together and remember the past and try and convince other family members and friends just how close they were to the deceased or for those closest to the one being honored it served to highlight their importance in the family and their community and thus enhance their status with the surviving family members and circle of friends. This answer made a lot of sense to me because in my limited life experience at the time dead meant that you no longer had any contact with the mortal world and were well past carring what went on here.
As a result my parents opted for simple cremation with no service of any kind. Any rememberances in their behalf were to be made in their name to a favorite charity. As for me, I have elected the same. For my wife however I did what I felt that she would have wanted and had a normal but small funeral with a regular burial. This was only because she never really quite agreed with me and my parents on this topic so I had to sort of 'second guess' what she would have liked. Losing her as I did has probably had more to do with cementing this belief in my mind than anything else. In every way I look back over our years together and realize that I could have been a much better husband in many ways. Therefore when I see or hear of how others react to the loss of loved or highly respected ones in their lives I wonder if perhaps they feel the same sort of guilt and remorse that bothers me. I now try belatedly to be more of a father to my two sons without interfering in their lives. The old song "The Cat's In the Cradle and the Silver Spoons" comes to mind and the lyrics hold a particular meaning for me now.
When it came to giant religious edifices and monuments my father used to remark that it was a bit like an animal in the wild marking its territory and signifying its power and influence in the area. In the Christian faiths we say that we should not bow down to graven images yet we do it every day by erecting enormous buildings and worshiping over religious icons and artifacts as if they in and of themselves hold some mystical power over our lives simply because someone says that they have been in some way consecrated by our God. In my mind they are nothing more than symbols to help those who are unable to believe on faith alone to have something tangeable to cling to rather like a favorite blanket or pacifier to a small child.
My point in all of this is that we often become so wrapped up in and involved with the trappings of our lives and our beliefs and ideals that we sometimes forget our priorities. The time to love and respect our parents is while they are with us. Support them and let them know how much they mean to you now rather than wallow in regret after they have passed. If they have not been the best of parents the time to forgive them is now and try and show your maturity by understandeing why they failed in their efforts. The same is true of your children. Think of them and be there for them as much as you possibly can because any number of life events could take you from them or them from you in the blink of an eye. As for your religious beliefs you must try your best to avoid hypocrisy and have sense enough to recognize and not be led astray by unscrupulous persons masquerading as God's representatives who only seek to glorify, empower, and enrich themselves at our expense. They can and do cause us to do things that often are contrary to the very religion to which we profess to belong. When someone starts talking about "going on a crusade" against this or that it should cause us all to look very closely at what is behind it and just what we are expected to do in its behalf. When you are called upon to "take up your sword of redemption and smite the evil" just make sure that the sword in question is purely metaphoric and not real.
Memorials and funerals are fine for honoring and remembering one who has passed from the mortal world or for perpetuating certain beliefs and ideals. It often makes us, the living, somehow feel better about ourselves. However they cross the line when they become enormous, elaborate, and burdensome 'things' which require constant attention and effort that detracts from our primary goal of living our lives and being there for the living and for those closest to us and most in need of our attention and support. Excessive mourning for lost loved ones or excessive devotion to a particular set of ideals, political, social, or religious, detracts from our primary mission in life. That is to be there for and support our family and loved ones and to grow and develop as souls by learning from the trials and tribulations of life. When former President Kennedy made the statment "ask not what your country can do for you but rather what you can do for your country" that was perhaps better stated by replacing the words 'your country' with the simple word 'life.'
